septembersember
"I'm not quite Midas...because everything I touch just turns to dust."
new blog
with my transition into the new chapter of my new life, i decided i will slowly convert to a new blog here on mindsay. this one will be obsolete soon.
my new one is boyinakage, so if you enjoy my blog here, i ask you kindly to make the journey with me over to the new blog as well as support for my new endeavors.
thanks,
-ember
my new one is boyinakage, so if you enjoy my blog here, i ask you kindly to make the journey with me over to the new blog as well as support for my new endeavors.
thanks,
-ember
No chosen ones - enter the matrix
2 weeks left til national coming out day!!
spicy pork
so my college's lgbtq group (YSUnity) is hosting a drag show to raise awareness and educate on the day before national coming out day (10-10-07). we will be donating all entrance fees and tips to the performers directly to the victims of hate crimes memorial and equality ohio for education. it's so exciting.
i've been largely in charge of promotion, so here's what i've been doing...
the first two are the promo posters we've been slathering all over campus and the internet. i made them with macromedia fireworks.
each performer has an individual promotional poster as well as a decorative/informative tri-fold to go as a center-piece on the tables. i've been working my little ass off this year, baby!
the ones after the promotional posters are just samples of the centerpieces for the tables. we had 9 performers with available pictures to be used...so i split us into twos and gave us a decade to represent. the third piece of the trifold will be a fact from the LGBTQ timeline from the years between 2000-2007 of course.
just showing off, hope you like!!
-ember
i've been largely in charge of promotion, so here's what i've been doing...
the first two are the promo posters we've been slathering all over campus and the internet. i made them with macromedia fireworks.
each performer has an individual promotional poster as well as a decorative/informative tri-fold to go as a center-piece on the tables. i've been working my little ass off this year, baby!
the ones after the promotional posters are just samples of the centerpieces for the tables. we had 9 performers with available pictures to be used...so i split us into twos and gave us a decade to represent. the third piece of the trifold will be a fact from the LGBTQ timeline from the years between 2000-2007 of course.
just showing off, hope you like!!
-ember
scared and all of its synonyms
xposted from my livejournal:
mostly i've found myself to be afraid more often than not as of late. not only is uncle sick, but i've been trying to keep gender in check until something can be done of sorts. i mean, i don't want to blow my cover with my family at this time...it would tear them apart. uncle is dying, this is his time. but as far as everything else, when i go out with gee eff, i go out bound and packed.
i guess what i'm saying is i'm just scared in general. i'm scared to death of straight bars. i mean, not that i don't pass. i'm just kind of scared of the straight guys that stare at me. i wonder if they are trying to figure me out, or trying to figure out timing on beating the living piss out of me in a bathroom later. it feels so hostile. maybe they just see me as competition? the women look at me far longer than the men. i get a lot of phone numbers of women presuming that i'm male. although flattering, also dangerous. i turn them down, mostly...but it's the angry looking men in the room that get me.
maybe i'm afraid for no reason. i told gee eff, my biggest fear is being beaten to death in a hate crime. i'm so afraid of that it's not even funny. i have nightmares sometimes where i'm being beaten to smithereens and nobody is lifting a hand to save me. i mean, i'm not hiding anything, really...am i? i can't even watch "Boys Don't Cry" when i'm alone anymore. as much as i love the movie, it gives me nightmares. sure, Brandon Teena was passing and lying to people...and i'm not in the same situation here...but it's still frightening as a thought. i'm just afraid that i'll be killed and then my family will find out the hard way. not to mention what might happen to gee eff.
i don't even want to think about it. i don't want to be scared anymore, but at the same time....i don't want to hurt anyone either. i'm also scared that because i don't want to make a full transition beyond top surgery and t, that i won't pass with just purchasing a pack n' pee and then my nightmares will come true. i guess what i'm saying is...i can never be a real man and i can never be a real woman. i can't win. i don't like feeling trapped in a cage.
*sigh*
i don't want to be afraid anymore.
-ember
mostly i've found myself to be afraid more often than not as of late. not only is uncle sick, but i've been trying to keep gender in check until something can be done of sorts. i mean, i don't want to blow my cover with my family at this time...it would tear them apart. uncle is dying, this is his time. but as far as everything else, when i go out with gee eff, i go out bound and packed.
i guess what i'm saying is i'm just scared in general. i'm scared to death of straight bars. i mean, not that i don't pass. i'm just kind of scared of the straight guys that stare at me. i wonder if they are trying to figure me out, or trying to figure out timing on beating the living piss out of me in a bathroom later. it feels so hostile. maybe they just see me as competition? the women look at me far longer than the men. i get a lot of phone numbers of women presuming that i'm male. although flattering, also dangerous. i turn them down, mostly...but it's the angry looking men in the room that get me.
maybe i'm afraid for no reason. i told gee eff, my biggest fear is being beaten to death in a hate crime. i'm so afraid of that it's not even funny. i have nightmares sometimes where i'm being beaten to smithereens and nobody is lifting a hand to save me. i mean, i'm not hiding anything, really...am i? i can't even watch "Boys Don't Cry" when i'm alone anymore. as much as i love the movie, it gives me nightmares. sure, Brandon Teena was passing and lying to people...and i'm not in the same situation here...but it's still frightening as a thought. i'm just afraid that i'll be killed and then my family will find out the hard way. not to mention what might happen to gee eff.
i don't even want to think about it. i don't want to be scared anymore, but at the same time....i don't want to hurt anyone either. i'm also scared that because i don't want to make a full transition beyond top surgery and t, that i won't pass with just purchasing a pack n' pee and then my nightmares will come true. i guess what i'm saying is...i can never be a real man and i can never be a real woman. i can't win. i don't like feeling trapped in a cage.
*sigh*
i don't want to be afraid anymore.
-ember
No chosen ones - enter the matrix
it only hurts when i breathe
the sense of tension in this house is un-fucking-bearable.
the only thing keeping me sane right now is gee eff...
uncle is back in the hospital. he fell this morning and almost broke his nose. he's not breathing right...he's hallucinating...this is all very serious. nobody can keep their fucking head right now, which is paramount.
grandpa screams when uncle gets mouthy...he's got a fucking lesion on almost the entire right side of his goddamned brain...he can't even function correctly, let alone control his temper/speech patterns...he's not himself...calm the fuck down.
grandma cries. a lot. i understand, this is your son who you are watching die before your eyes. but you are too feeble to take care of him. i cannot always be around at your beckon call. so stop crying, get ahold of yourself. i know it's hard, you watched another son die. but he died where they could have saved him. hospitals are good. crying is therapeutic, yes....but helpful? not in this situation. let me handle this.
it's gotten to the point where i'm breaking from the stress. i can't stand to even be around anyone but gee eff.
*sigh*
maybe if i just breathe?
-ember
the only thing keeping me sane right now is gee eff...
uncle is back in the hospital. he fell this morning and almost broke his nose. he's not breathing right...he's hallucinating...this is all very serious. nobody can keep their fucking head right now, which is paramount.
grandpa screams when uncle gets mouthy...he's got a fucking lesion on almost the entire right side of his goddamned brain...he can't even function correctly, let alone control his temper/speech patterns...he's not himself...calm the fuck down.
grandma cries. a lot. i understand, this is your son who you are watching die before your eyes. but you are too feeble to take care of him. i cannot always be around at your beckon call. so stop crying, get ahold of yourself. i know it's hard, you watched another son die. but he died where they could have saved him. hospitals are good. crying is therapeutic, yes....but helpful? not in this situation. let me handle this.
it's gotten to the point where i'm breaking from the stress. i can't stand to even be around anyone but gee eff.
*sigh*
maybe if i just breathe?
-ember
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